Work and Panic attacks

I keep having these really tense moments. To describe them as panic attacks is overstating. I am the cool, calm, collected centre of the universe. My feathers are rarely ruffled, but I do occasionally find myself pausing before breathing.

What could it be that causes such a robotic and emotionless stone any degree of worry?

I keep thinking I may never make it as a writer. I mean, what if I don't? Never mind the shattered dreams and all the rest of it, what the hell else am I going to do? I can't do anything. I am rapidly approaching my 31st birthday (although still am mistaken for a 21 year old ladies!), unqualified for anything much, unable to do even less and damn near unemployable, it seems.

I have 2 terribly underpiad DJing jobs, but I had never intended to be a DJ, I just sort of fumbled through it until I found myself being a few people's "go to guy". But the young guns are rapidly coming up behindme. These kids actully like the music they play (although learning fast, as I did, that people have no taste). Pretty soon I may be shit out of the luck I've been coasting on there.

Not only that I am chronically disorganised and as I am about to head into year 2 of my MA I still have not sorted out any means of funding. Yup, that's right. I won't even be allowed back in if I don't fix this. Which means a trip to the bank, to beg for money. Maybe I'll take in my marks and see if thatimpresses them any. "Look I got good marks! I may make it and be able to pay this back one day!"

So I sort of realized it's write or die for me.

So what do I do? Do I start scribbling away at the treatment I need for my MA? My actual coursework. No. Of course not. I start writing a prose novel which will probably be terrible. I did thisonce before. It was about a bunch of lads on a night out. Students. Dazed & Confused meets Swingers. It probably wasn't that bada story, but I shouldve written itas a screenplay. Imean the whole time I was writing I was thinking about the movie adaptation rather than the book anyway, but this was before I realised I should try screenwriting. In fact I think I did start to adapt it - but by adapt I mean rewrite it in movie format, rather than restructure into movie structure.

I saw a friend of mine on Facebook has an interest in movies and is starting to write a Zombie thing. Some kind of multi part web series. I don't think he's ever tried writing before. I've offered my help so we'll see where that goes.

So back to my treatment. My MA coursework.

I took a look at a short treatment I did a while back and realized just how much work I have to do. I mean shit loads. For 30 pages. So What I'm going to do is turn this short treatment into a longer treatment. I just have so much work to do that I need something I've already started just to give me a helping hand.

It's set in 1986 and I was discouraged from writing it because I saw the trailer for ADVENTURELAND and thought this was quite similar but having now seen the movie I realize mine is different enough to warrant an effort to write it.

Now to work.